For the first three days Frank walked into the classroom smiling, waved goodbye to his mother and ran to the blocks. On the fourth morning he grabbed her leg and would not let go. His mother left the preschool feeling that something had gone wrong — after all, it had been going so well. A quarter of an hour later the teacher called: Frank had calmed down and was doing a puzzle with a friend.
This story repeats itself in every preschool every September. Settling in rarely follows a straight line, and parents who know what to expect get through it more calmly — which in turn helps the child get through it more calmly too. This article describes how long settling in at preschool usually takes, what it can look like day by day and what to do when something goes wrong.
How long does settling in at preschool take?
Settling in at preschool usually takes from a few days to a few weeks, and longer for some children. There is no single norm: its length depends on the child’s age and temperament, whether they attended nursery before, how the separation from the parent goes and how the preschool organises the first days. A good sign is not the absence of crying but the fact that after separation the child calms down and returns to play — according to the CDC milestones list, most three-year-olds calm down within 10 minutes after a parent leaves.
Settling in can be considered complete when the child stays at preschool for the whole day, eats, rests, plays with other children and starts most mornings without prolonged crying. Occasional harder days after that are normal and do not mean everything has to start again.
What settling in can look like day by day — a sample plan
Preschools organise settling in in different ways: some have a fixed programme, others adapt it to each child. The plan below is an example of gradually lengthening the time spent at preschool, not a standard every child should follow at this pace.
| Stage | Time at preschool | Parent | What to watch for |
|---|---|---|---|
| Days 1–2 | About an hour | Stays in the room or nearby | Whether the child shows interest in the room and toys |
| Days 3–4 | Two to three hours, without the main meal | Leaves briefly, returns at the agreed time | How the child reacts to separation and return |
| Week 2 | Until lunch | Says a short goodbye at the door | Whether the child eats at preschool and calms down after separation |
| Week 3 | Full day with a rest | Collects at a fixed time | Whether the child rests and plays with others |
If a child clearly needs more time at one stage, it is better to stay there a few days longer than to speed up. A shorter but successful stay gives a child more than a long day that ends in tears. It is worth asking the preschool what their plan looks like and whether it can be adapted to the child.
Before your child starts preschool — preparation at home
Settling in begins before the child crosses the classroom threshold. A few weeks before the start it is worth:
- Talking about preschool calmly and concretely. What will happen there, who will look after them, when the parent will come. Without threats (“at preschool you won’t be allowed to…”) and without promising rewards for not crying.
- Practising independence. Eating with a spoon and fork, washing hands, signalling the need to use the toilet, taking off shoes. A child who copes with everyday tasks feels more confident in a group.
- Shifting the daily rhythm. If the child wakes up at nine and preschool starts at eight, it is worth gradually moving the wake-up time several weeks in advance.
- Practising short separations. An hour at a grandparent’s, an afternoon with another close person. The child learns that the parent leaves and comes back.
- Visiting the preschool. An open day, a walk past the building, a conversation with the teacher. A familiar place causes less anxiety.
Play helps too. A three-year-old gets used to new situations by acting them out: teddy bears can go to preschool, a doll can eat lunch there, and a parent can be the child one time and the teacher the next. In such play a child often shows on their own what they are afraid of — and it can then be talked about calmly. Books about the first days at preschool also help, read several times until the child knows them by heart. A familiar story in which the hero says goodbye to Mum and then plays with other children gives the child a ready-made script for their own first day.
It is also worth preparing yourself. A parent who finds the separation harder than the child passes on their anxiety without words. If possible, it helps to plan the first weeks at work flexibly — with the option of an early pick-up.
The first day and the morning goodbye
The first day should be short and calm. Preschools usually provide a list of things to bring; most often these are indoor shoes, a change of clothes labelled with the child’s name and sometimes bedding for rest time — see our preschool checklist. It is worth packing them together with the child and letting them choose something small, such as a shoe bag. A child who has prepared their own things feels that preschool is their business too. The child looks around the room, meets the teacher and plays, while the parent stays nearby. It is better to leave while the child is happy than to wait until they are tired and start crying.
The most important part of settling in is the morning goodbye. A fixed ritual helps: the same hug, the same words, the same moment of leaving. The ritual gives the child a sense of predictability — they know what will happen and that afterwards the parent will leave. The goodbye should be short and clear: “I’m going to work, I’ll come after lunch.” Dragging out the separation, going back into the room and yet another “one more kiss” usually prolong the crying rather than shorten it.
It is never a good idea to slip away while the child is distracted. It may spare tears that one morning, but it teaches the child that the parent disappears without warning — and the next day they will not let the parent out of their sight. Keeping the promise to return matters just as much: if the parent said “after lunch”, they should come after lunch.
Why do children cry at separation?
Children cry at separation because they are attached to their parent and do not yet trust the new place or the new adults. It is a healthy reaction that shows the bond is strong, not that preschool is a bad idea. Crying at the morning goodbye is typical among preschoolers in the first weeks; what matters more is what happens a few minutes later — whether the child calms down, lets the teacher comfort them and returns to play.
Most teachers see the same pattern: the child cries at the door, and a few minutes after the parent leaves they are already playing. The parent takes to work an image of a crying child that does not match what the rest of their day looks like. That is why it is worth agreeing with the teacher on a short update — a call or a message — that the child has calmed down.
Crying at pick-up is a different matter. A child who has held up bravely all day often bursts into tears at the sight of their parent. This is not a sign that preschool was bad, but that with the person closest to them they can finally let go of the tension.
A bad week after a good one — why settling in can regress
Many parents are surprised when a child who went to preschool happily for the first few days suddenly starts to protest. This is a common course of settling in. The first days are a novelty and an adventure; only afterwards does the child understand that preschool is not a one-off trip but everyday life, and that separations from the parent will keep happening.
Regression also appears after breaks: a weekend, an illness, holidays. A child who has been ill at home for a week often goes through a short settling-in period again. This is normal and usually takes less time than the first one.
Settling in shows at home as well. In the first weeks of preschool a child can be more tired and irritable, cry more in the evening, fall asleep less easily or need more closeness than usual. Behaviours that disappeared long ago may return: wanting to be carried, wanting help with eating, wanting to sleep with a parent. This is the child’s way of releasing the effort of a day spent in a new place. It usually passes once preschool stops being new.
At such a moment it is not worth changing the rules — going back to longer goodbyes, collecting the child early at every cry or giving up on preschool after a few difficult mornings. A parent’s calm consistency helps a child get through a harder period faster than any change of plan.
Settling in after nursery versus starting from scratch
A child who attended nursery already knows separation from a parent, the rhythm of a day in a group, and eating and resting away from home. Their settling in at preschool mainly concerns a new place and new people, so it is often shorter. It can be especially gentle when the nursery and preschool operate in the same building and follow the same principles — the transition between these stages is discussed in the article from what age can a child go to nursery.
A child who has until now been cared for by a parent or grandparent learns everything at once at preschool: separation, the group, new adults, new food, resting in a new place. Their settling in usually takes longer and requires more patience from the parent. This does not mean it will always be harder — only that they need more time at each stage.
Whatever the child’s previous experience, it is worth paying attention to what else is happening in the family. The birth of a sibling, a house move or a mother returning to work at the same time as the start of preschool pile up changes the child has to cope with. If possible, it helps to spread them out over time — or at least to give the child more time at each stage of settling in.
How settling in works at nursery, especially for younger children, is described in a separate nursery settling-in guide.
The parent’s role — what helps and what gets in the way
What helps:
- a calm tone and confidence in your voice at goodbye, even if you are worried inside,
- a fixed pick-up time, especially in the first weeks,
- talking after coming home about what was good, without quizzing the child about crying,
- an earlier bedtime — a tired child finds separation harder,
- working with the teacher and sharing what works at home.
What gets in the way:
- long goodbyes and repeated returns to the room,
- slipping away unnoticed,
- promising rewards for not crying and using preschool as a threat,
- comparing the child with other children (“Olivia doesn’t cry, why do you?”),
- changing the plan at every harder morning.
A child largely reads the preschool through the parent. If the parent trusts the teacher and the place, it is easier for the child to trust them too.
It is also worth remembering the other parent and other close adults. Sometimes a child finds it easier to part with Dad than with Mum, or the other way round — and then it is sensible for the person with whom the goodbye goes more smoothly to do the drop-off for the first few weeks. This is not a failure of the other parent, just a practical help during a difficult time. It is also good for all the adults who drop the child off to use the same goodbye ritual and the same words, because for a three-year-old predictability matters more than who is standing at the door.
When is settling in not going well?
Settling in is not going well when, after several weeks, the child still cries for long periods for most of the day, does not eat, does not rest, does not make contact with the teacher or the children, and clear changes appear at home — sleep problems, withdrawal, the return of behaviours that disappeared long ago. A single difficult day is not yet a warning sign; a persistent pattern is.
In such a situation the first step is a conversation with the teacher: how the child functions during the day, what calms them, whether anything has changed. Often changing one element is enough — a shorter stay for a while, a different pick-up time, an object from home in their cubby. If the difficulties do not pass, it is worth talking to a child psychologist. Sometimes it also turns out that the child needs a different kind of setting: a smaller group, a calmer rhythm, a different approach.
Settling in at a Montessori preschool
In a Montessori preschool a child usually joins a mixed-age group that includes both three-year-olds and older children. This changes how settling in goes. The new child does not enter a group in which everyone is as lost as they are — most children already know the room, the rules and the rhythm of the day, and older children often show the younger one where the cups are, how to put work back on the shelf and what comes after breakfast.
The teacher in a Montessori classroom starts with observation: she watches what the child is interested in and offers materials suited to their stage. A child who has an interesting activity in their hands stops thinking about the separation sooner. The prepared environment also matters a great deal: a fixed place for everything and a predictable order to the day give a three-year-old a sense of security.
What a day in such a group looks like is described in the articles what is a Montessori preschool and on mixed-age groups in Montessori. The skills that make the start easier are covered in what a 3-year-old should be able to do.
FAQ — parents’ questions about settling in at preschool
How long does settling in at preschool take? Usually from a few days to a few weeks, and longer for some children. It depends on the child’s age and temperament, previous experience of nursery and the way the preschool organises the first days.
Can a parent stay with the child in the classroom? That depends on the preschool. Many settings allow a parent to stay during the first days and then gradually lengthen the time without them. It is worth asking about the rules before starting.
What should I do if my child cries at morning drop-off? Say goodbye briefly and clearly, following a fixed ritual, and leave, saying when you will be back. Most children calm down within a few minutes. It is worth agreeing with the teacher on a short update that the child has calmed down.
Should I take my child home early when they cry? It is better not to do so at every cry, because the child may learn that crying shortens the stay. The exceptions are the first days of a planned shorter stay, or a situation in which the teacher signals that the child has been unable to calm down for a long time.
Why does a child who used to enjoy preschool suddenly refuse to go? This is a common regression in settling in. After the first days of novelty the child understands that separations will be everyday life. Regression also appears after an illness or a weekend and usually passes faster than the first settling-in period.
Does an object from home help with settling in? Often, yes. A small cuddly toy, a family photo in their cubby or a scarf that smells of home give a child a sense of connection with their loved ones. It is worth agreeing with the preschool where such an object can be kept.
In closing
Settling in at preschool is a process, not an exam. Crying at separation, a bad week after a good one or difficulties returning after an illness are all part of its typical course. What helps a child most is a calm, consistent parent, a short goodbye ritual and a preschool that lets them get used to the new place at their own pace.
If you would like to see what a day looks like in a mixed-age group, take a look at the Montessori preschool page.